In Defence of the Eurovision Song Contest

Did you watch the Eurovision Song Contest over the weekend? I know I did!

I had a Eurovision party, as a matter of fact, something I do every year and which normally results in a lot of shouting and hollering and not really being able to hear the songs.

But I love the Eurovision Song Contest, I really do! And here are ten reasons why...

1. I love the Eurovision Song Contest - Yes, I really do love the Eurovision Song Contest. When I were a lad we only had four TV channels and we were so working class that we couldn't afford to go on holidays. Back then Eurovision was a massive, glitzy, bombastic spectacle and every act provided a glimpse at a bizarre, exotic country that I thought I might never actually get to see for myself. Obviously, by the time I got into The Smiths, Velvet Underground and all that kind of fare, I pretended to hate Eurovision, but when I found myself having an extended stay in Sweden in the year 2000 my passion was revived. I was staying with my Swedish girlfriend and Eurovision was being held in Sweden that year. Her mum was Danish and Denmark triumphed in the land of their hated rivals in spectacular style (The Olsen Brothers singing 'Fly on the Wings of Love', FYI). We then watched her mum drunkenly walk down their street, knock on the doors of her Swedish neighbours, give them the fingers and move on to the next house triumphantly. I thought "I need this back in my life."

2. The Eurovision Song Contest is not rubbish - In fact, I think you'll find that all pop music is rubbish to some extent. Certainly these days. Perhaps Eurovision was comparatively awful in the few decades when The Beatles, Bowie and Madonna were routinely topping the charts, but compared to the production line-X Factor dross of today, the Eurovision Song Contest is pop music gold. It is glamorous, ridiculous and exciting. It has the thrilling competitive element that pop music used to have when we all still gave a fig about the charts. Even the awful things are worth watching as they are hilarious and never less than genuinely imaginative (the ballads can get a bit tiresome mind, I concede). But overlooking the novelty factor, listen carefully and you might actually hear something you like. Gypsy funk from the Balkans, ridiculously slick and witty pop from Scandinavia, a genuinely funny pastiche from France... It's all in there. Eurovision also has a surprisingly rich history, with past winners penned by Serge Gainsbourg and entries by Francoise Hardy, but it's not just stuff from the 60s (when everything was cool, anyway). Ever heard 1980's 'Eurovision' by Telex or Sebastian Tellier's 'Divine' from 2008? Both genuinely great records and there's plenty more were they came from.

3. The late, great Terry Wogan turned into a bit of an annoyance - Yes, he used to be really funny doing it, but in his last few years he turned into a right miserable old swine, spouting unfounded, xenophobic conspiracy theories (see below). It became almost like you were forced to watch it with a particularly insistent pub bore or you were forced to sit at a house party with someone who really, really didn't want to be there but wouldn't leave. Graham Norton is much better. He genuinely enjoys it, but is certainly not above poking fun at it.

4. There is no pro-Eastern European bias - This is what Wogan wanted you to believe and every neutered armchair cynic has taken up his cue (these people don't even watch Eurovision - so they say - why do they give a monkeys?). Since the fall of the Berlin wall, 21 (including Israel) Western European countries have won the competition, compared to just 7 from Eastern Europe. Wogan and his disciples should check their facts... The implication that anything Eastern European is automatically sub-par and undeserving is also dubious in the extreme. 

5. There is no anti-UK bias - When the UK enter a decent song they do quite well, when they put in a load of old rubbish they do badly. It's that simple. Look at Germany, perennial bottom of the table-ers like the UK and, also like the UK, prone to entering boring ballads or faux-camp novelties. But then in 2010 they pulled their finger out and entered a cute, contemporary and catchy pop song ('Satellite' by Lena) and only went and won the bloody thing at a canter. Why don't the UK try and do the same? As if the likes of Bob Stanley, Jarvis Cocker and Cathy Dennis would turn down the chance to write a Eurovision entry. Also, Eurovision reminds me why I dislike so many people in the UK. They reserve the right to treat the Eurovision Song Contest with disdain whilst voting for "Paul" or "Babs" to win X-Factor and top the charts with a Phil Collins cover. Oh yes, they hate Eurovision all right, but they still expect to win the thing!

6. Block-voting is a myth - The truth is that every country can rely on support from its neighbours (the UK has Ireland, Holland and even France propping it up almost every year). This should not be interpreted as being necessarily sinister or unfair. It is often simply a case of those countries having a similar musical culture and being exposed to each other's songs and performers well in advance. No one has ever won the competition as a result of block-voting alone. 

7. Eurovision is the name of a satellite network - And all countries connected by that network can compete. That's why you sometimes get Israel, Morocco and Lebanon. The network has been extended to allow Australia to compete regularly as they traditionally watch the contest in their millions. Now you know.

8. Countries do not "throw" the contest because they can't afford to host it - That's just a really funny episode of Father Ted you're thinking of there. Winning Eurovision is actually priceless in terms of the exposure it gives each host nation. Belgrade was given a big push as a major European holiday destination until after Serbia won in 2007, for example.

9. There are semi-finals - And you should watch them as they are often the best bit. Following the dissolution of the Soviet Union and Yugoslavia, there were too many competing countries to be able to hold the competition in one go, hence two semis being introduced in the week leading up to the competition. The UK, Italy, France, Spain and Germany all qualify for the final automatically as they have the largest TV audiences. The semis is where you get to see all the super-weird stuff, from Serbian dubstep rappers dressed up as astronauts to a Belgian a capella group that resemble a bunch of teachers "getting up and doing a bit" at the end of year school show. Literally something for everyone.

10. Jedward were brilliant when they did it - That's right, Jedward were brilliant when they did it.